Let’s talk about e-mail “warnings”. You know the ones: don’t answer the door if you hear a baby crying outside, Red Bull Energy Drink causes brain tumors, sleep with your car keys so that you can readily access the “panic” button for extra protection, the air conditioning in your car can cause cancer, don’t use your “out-of-office” reply function on your e-mail because thieves will know your home is empty. The list goes on and on.
I once wrote this article in response to the numerous e-mail chain letter “Must Read! Pass on!” I receive:
Latest Home Safety Recommendation:
The Federal Bureau of Investigation and Office of Homeland Security have recently released guidelines for preventing burglaries in the home. This new tactic has proven to be extremely successful. Some say motion sensors and house alarms may become a thing of the past due to the effectiveness of this new deterrent.
The FBI and OHS now recommend keeping one’s house decorated for a birthday party. Then, when the homeowner hears rustling downstairs, they can flip on the lights and shout, “Surprise! Happy Birthday!”
“Sounds silly, I know,” states Lieutenant Robert Mercier of the Weskow County Police Deptartment of Weskow County, Kansas. “But this new tactic has proven to be outrageously effective. Imagine the surprise of the intruder when he is actually welcomed into the home by a party supposedly just for him”
The FBI and OHS suggest the usual birthday party adornment for one’s home: streamers, balloons and a sign reading “Happy Birthday”. “I even went so far as to use noise blowers,” states Lydia Greenwood of Tallahassee Florida. “The intruder seemed to like that the most.”
Safety Authorities also recommend keeping a birthday cake stashed in the freezer with candles readily available. “I always have an ice cream cake in my freezer,” Greenwood says, “and in case he’s lactose intolerant like me, I also have a bundt cake on hand.”
Many are still leery of these new safety recommendations. “I was afraid of shouting “Surprise! Happy Birthday!” to a man who may be armed and dangerous, “ Lenny Balsam of Marietta, Georgia said in a recent interview. “How did I know the guy wasn’t going to blow my brains out?”
But the tactic has yet to result in injury or harm to the homeowner. One intruder even broke down and wept when Lisa Bennet of Vershire, Vermont shouted her welcome. “He started saying his mother never threw him a birthday party, and that was one of the reasons he turned to a life of crime.” The Bennets have since welcomed the intruder into their lives. “He was so alone and desperate,” Bennet states, “we are now the family he always longed for.” Bennet says her intruder now shares Holidays with them. “We’ve noticed a few items missing after he leaves, but we’ve come to accept that,” Bennet says, “It’s just how he is. Nothing major is missing – just a few pieces of silver and once my husband’s watch.”
The Birthday Party Tacit does have its downsides. One’s house always needs to be decorated for a birthday party – complete with streamers and balloons. Some say it causes confusion with their children. “When our son turned five, we had to actually change the decorations so that he knew these were for him and not a bad guy,” Bennet said, “but knowing we are safe at night – it’s worth it!”
Note: Since the release of the Birthday Party Tactic, Part City’s stocks have risen substationally and more stores are opening nationwide.
Comments (28) 
How many of us have small children who repeatedly say the most hilarious things? And how often do we always say to ourselves, “I really need to write this down?”
I don’t like to cook. I love to eat, but cooking, not so much. I used to love to bake – from scratch. That was before being diagnosed with Celiac Disease and switching to a gluten-free diet. Now, I try to limit my time in the kitchen as much as possible.
