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By Elisa, November 15, 2009 3:47 pm

While growing-up, my maternal grandparents lived 30 minutes away but I usually saw them only on major Holidays.  This was not due to family conflicts or hard feelings.  My grandparents simply weren’t in to being grandparents.  They had raised four children and now preferred to spend their time with each other.  Life for them was now about them.  I can count on one hand the number of times they babysat me.  I think there were three times.  No.  Wait.  They babysat me more often than that!  Make that four times.

                My mother and in-laws are extremely involved in my daughter’s life.   Yet, I have friends whose children barely even know their grandparents.  I found these differences so intriguing that I attempted to put the types of Grandparents into 3 categories:

1.The “We’re  Just Not Into Being Grandparents” Grandparents

These grandparents may carry pictures of their grandchildren in their purse or wallets, but this depends.  Birthdays are usually remembered with either a present that is totally age inappropriate for the grandchild (toy that is either too juvenile or too complicated, wrong sized clothes) or a birthday card with a check enclosed. Pop-ins?  Never.  If they live at a distance, they do not require frequent pictures or developmental updates.  First tooth, first word, first day of Kindergarten: no big deal.  Grandchildren may be brought up in their conversations with others – but not necessarily.  Bowling, vacations, golf and dinners out are much more exciting than grandchildren.

*Note: a great accomplishment by a grandchild (i.e.: valedictorian of graduating class, basketball star of high school) may impress grandparent enough that grandchild is mentioned in conversation with others*

2. The “My Children Had Children Just So We Could Be Grandparents” Grandparents

These grandparents are the exact opposite of those listed above.  The “My Children Had Children Just So We Could Be Grandparents” grandparents have no true life outside of their grandchildren.  They NEED to know every minute detail.  First tooth, first word, and first day of Kindergarten – those are all to be expected.  These grandparents want to know the process of the first tooth.  “Is it in yet?”  “How’s that tooth coming along?”  First word?  Try first babble.  These grandparents tend to be fretters and love to offer advice.  They worry as much as you do (sometimes more) when one of your children is ill.  They need to know the minutia of the child’s day.  For those grandparents who live far away:  phone calls and e-mails are a daily occurrence (These grandparents have also been known to relocate to be closer to grandchildren).  For those who live close to their grandchildren: phone calls and pop-ins are frequent.  These grandparents are convinced that no other child is as smart as their grandchild.  (We were never this smart as children).  Everything the grandchild does is genius.  The grandchild never does wrong either, which makes disciplining your children in front of these grandparents a sticky situation.   Birthday presents are often excessive.  New grandchild on the way?  These grandparents believe this was done just for them.

3.The “Balanced Grandparent”

These grandparents are the perfect balance between the “We’re Just Not into Being Grandparents” and the “My Children had Children Just So We Could be Grandparents” grandparents.  They love to hear updates – but do not require them.  These grandparents are always willing to babysit but sometimes cannot because of prior engagements.  They trust their children in raising the grandchildren and do not feel the need to check-in or offer advice.  These grandparents are relaxed.  They know exactly what to get the grandchildren for birthdays and Holidays. Presents are not excessive.  They are not intrusive or negligent. They recognize that while their grandchildren are amazing and wonderful, they do not hold them on pedestals.  When these grandparents arrive at the house, we utter a sigh of relief.  They are helpful and the relationship they have with their grandchildren is balanced and healthy.

 My children have both sets of grandparents who toggle between the “Balanced Grandparent” and the “My Children Had Children Just So We Could Be Grandparents” categories.   Any further character traits and/or categories for grandparents are welcome for “The Thinking Moms”.

Comments (106)

By admin, July 2, 2009 7:32 am

If a Can of Beans Falls on Your Foot and No One is Around to Hear You Scream…

I don’t like to cook. I love to eat, but cooking, not so much. I used to love to bake – from scratch. That was before being diagnosed with Celiac Disease and switching to a gluten-free diet. Now, I try to limit my time in the kitchen as much as possible.

Did I mention that I was smart enough to marry someone who loves to cook!?!

My husband not only loves to cook, but the more complicated the dish, the happier he is. If he asks me what I want for dinner and I request chicken and some veggies, he says, “that’s too simple and boring.” He has taken on the challenge of my gluten-free diet with enthusiasm! He has made everything from homemade gluten-free pasta, to cream puffs and empanadas. I want for nothing. And during my pregnancy, he has become even more enthusiastic about feeding me and our little one.

So what’s the problem? Well, I work from home, he doesn’t, and there are times where I either need to, or simply want to, pitch in and provide nourishment for us. Lunch is also a time where I am left to my own devices (thank goodness for leftovers!). I can’t really run out to the deli and grab a sandwich, so there are times that I am forced into the kitchen. And I have friends (and our co-blogger, Elisa) who hate to cook, yet can’t pawn that job off on anyone else, so they actually have to face the dreaded kitchen on a daily basis.

But here’s the thing. When I get into the kitchen, a funny thing happens. I become 50 times more accident prone than I normally am.

Very few kitchen experiences go by for me where I don’t do one of the following:
• Burn myself or the food
• Hit myself in the head with an open cabinet door
• Cut myself
• Spill something important
• Accidentally throw away a vital ingredient
• Drop something on my foot

I studied psychology in college and I know these things can’t all be accidents. I call them Freudian Kitchen Slips. It took me years to discover what was actually happening here. My husband and I used to joke about how dangerous I am in the kitchen, and I finally realize why.

Although these mini-kitchen-tragedies are not on purpose, I now recognize that they are subconscious protests or cries for help. I don’t like to cook and my deeper mind must have decided to sabotage most of my cooking efforts to prove, in fact, that I simply don’t belong in the kitchen!

But now I have a baby on the way and realize that I must step-up (or mom-up) and learn to navigate my kitchen without injury or disaster. I’ve tried to break down what I really don’t like about cooking and I am exploring the possibilities that I just don’t like being alone in the kitchen, or maybe I am too much of a perfectionist and don’t enjoy doing things I am not great at, and possibly, I am protesting against my dietary restrictions.

But it is time to fix this! Maybe a cooking class and a few calls to mom will help (my husband does not like to share his creative kitchen space, and I like to keep the peace). But something does need to change – at least until my son is old enough to make dinner!